26 February 2011

Should I stay or should I go

If you couldn't tell, I'd been battling the question of should I stay or should I go for over a month now (if not even longer).

It was so hard for me because so much hit me at once... and let's not forget that it's winter. Just when I would feel better and I'd decided I wanted to stay...something else was thrown my way and I would want to go home. I just couldn't make up my mind.

and... I'm staying.

(and now you can stop reading if you want... I kinda start to ramble after this)

I really do want to be here. Once I realized that deep down I felt that way, I immediately started to feel like myself again. I mean, definitely not totally. But a step closer and a huge step out of that dark hole that I'd been living in for the past month or so. But the question remained of exactly how that was going to happen. Brainstorming with different people I was able to come up with a bunch of ideas of what changes could be made to make (and keep!) me happy and also to have a win-win situation that would also keep me on track with the teaching program here... but it seemed like we could never come up with that "perfect" scenario. I dislike parter teaching (not my partners... they're awesome!!!... but the act of teaching in two but we're supposed to be one....), I LOVE teaching by myself, I don't want to switch programs because I love teaching and I want the experience in the classroom, I don't want to leave my site because I love my students and my partners and the relationship I've formed with them... and the list went on and on...

And then it hit me.

Why not compromise? (Imagine that).

Continue this semester as is. Then next semester I'll talk with the Director at my school and my partners and see if we can't make a plan so that one day a week with every class I teach I'll have a day to myself to teach the kiddos. And over the summer I'll work really hard with my project partner to get everything prepared for the Skype project so she can get it started and running in the fall and I won't be needed much for it (after all, I can't have control over everything and if I were to be running the program it wouldn't work as well because I don't have the language skills to make sure everything is communicated correctly with the kids, and after I do go back to America I hope the project continues... so she's gotta do it herself).

So now I'm even one step closer to feeling like me again. And boy oh boy is that a great feeling.

-Mario Andretti

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